Twilight by Stephanie Meyers

You’ll have to forgive me; it has been forever since I’ve written up a review of a book. But then, it has been awhile since I’ve read something I thought others might find even slightly interesting. Not that Twilight and the notion of interesting should be combined in the same sentence.

Basic story: girl moves to town to live with her father. Girl goes to school and she seems to be the best thing to hit town since the push-up bra ... She’s like catnip to all the boys. But there is one boy who doesn’t seem to like her at all and of course, he is the one she is most fascinated with. He’s different, his family is different, but she is not afraid of his otherworldly ways. He saves her life from an out-of-control car and thus begins the greatest teen romance of all time.

Sigh! I know that isn’t true. Romeo & Juliet was the greatest teen romance of all time. But there is something about this book that just makes me want to make outlandish statements and think I can get away with it. Granted, that notion is somewhat liberating but still, props to the master, Shakespeare. He knew teen angst like nobody’s business.

Twilight was so girly it freaked me out. Normally I like girly, it usually makes for good brain candy but warning: you will never get those brain cells back. I can forgive it for being girly. What I can’t forgive it for is being boring.

Once those two start having a relationship, it is as if the clock has stopped. I swear to god, there was a meadow scene where they were just sitting and it just went on and on and on. I have a friend that doesn’t like the shopping montage in movies, I personally hate the meadow scenes… I have no idea what they are supposed to represent. The spend forever getting to that damn meadow, you would have thought there would be something cool at the end of the journey… Nope, just vampire show and tell. We get to see Edward’s true nature and he has to be the most boring vampire ever put to print. He can kill grisly bears with his bare hands but we never get a sense of that fierceness. He has to be the safest bad-boy ever.

And Bella, I don’t know where to start with her. One, she is the most perfect teenage daughter of all time. She cooks, she cleans, she does the grocery shopping, and all the while maintaining top grades. If Stepford made children, they would be just like Bella. Two, her reaction to fear is non-reaction. Edward shouldn’t be mad about that, he should fear that his girlfriend has a neurological disorder. And three, she really needs to be less self-sacrificing. That death wish thing she has going on is very disturbing.

Ultimately, these books should not be read by anyone whose age is not ending in the word “teen”. As for everyone else, just don’t go there and pick up some Shakespeare instead.