Staked by J.F. Lewis

Vampires are back. Well sort of. You see them all over, especially when a new movie is out but those aren’t real vampires. Vampires are monsters, just like werewolves, sea creatures, goblins, etc. Making your vampires cute and cuddly is an affront to the monster community and they should take a stand for their rights to be seen in an unflattering light. They should garner the respect that only true fear can accomplish. Anything less goes against the monster code.

There. Got that off my chest and I think I should be awarded points for not using the word glitter. It was hard but I suspect everyone knows what I’m talking about anyway so I won’t bore you with that.


As for today’s novel choice, we have a book that I only picked up because I wanted something as ridiculous and schlocky as I could possibly find. I chose Staked because it came with a scantily clad woman on the cover with a gun in her hand. Not to mention a summary on the back that sounded like the guy version of chick-lit: girlfriend pressuring him into turning her into a vampire, business trouble at his co-owned strip club, and after a weird turn of events, the local werewolf pack is after him. Is it every guy’s dream to own a strip club? For the record, I don’t really want an answer to that question but I can’t imagine anything more depressing.

As for the book, it runs pretty much exactly like the back summary describes. The only surprise is that he turns the girlfriend pretty close at the first of the story and it isn’t a pretty sight. Blood and gore and they really should make an informational video on it ‘cause it would make anyone not to want to go through something so gross. Not to mention, character-wise, I can’t imagine why he would want to choose to spend eternity with this person, nor why she with him. Perhaps in that sense, they are made for each other. After the whole turning, they really didn’t spend all that much time together and the story splits off into two directions: Eric dealing with his werewolf issues and Tabitha getting Vampire 101. Basically, I spent a lot of the first half of the book asking myself why I was still reading.

It wasn’t a completely horrible book to read. It was starting to get good when it abruptly ends. I suspect the author wrote a really, really long book and the publisher decides to cut it off there to split it into two books to be more profitable. It included the first chapter to the next book and that little bit of plot really needed to be in the first book. Not sure what happens after that little piece but the ending just seemed awkward to me after finally starting to like the characters a little bit.

If you are willing to invest into a new vampire series and read more than just the first book, then I can recommend. If you like your books more stand-alone so you can move on to other things, I’d leave this one on the shelf. J.F. Lewis gets extra points in my book for making his vampires (or werewolves or whatevers) monsters in the truest sense. They are not nice, they kill, are not to be trusted, and make choices out of personal gain. And that makes them monsters, just as much as humans can be.

Now I’m off to do something productive and perhaps unmonster like. Cross fingers.

Twilight by Stephanie Meyers

You’ll have to forgive me; it has been forever since I’ve written up a review of a book. But then, it has been awhile since I’ve read something I thought others might find even slightly interesting. Not that Twilight and the notion of interesting should be combined in the same sentence.

Basic story: girl moves to town to live with her father. Girl goes to school and she seems to be the best thing to hit town since the push-up bra ... She’s like catnip to all the boys. But there is one boy who doesn’t seem to like her at all and of course, he is the one she is most fascinated with. He’s different, his family is different, but she is not afraid of his otherworldly ways. He saves her life from an out-of-control car and thus begins the greatest teen romance of all time.

Sigh! I know that isn’t true. Romeo & Juliet was the greatest teen romance of all time. But there is something about this book that just makes me want to make outlandish statements and think I can get away with it. Granted, that notion is somewhat liberating but still, props to the master, Shakespeare. He knew teen angst like nobody’s business.

Twilight was so girly it freaked me out. Normally I like girly, it usually makes for good brain candy but warning: you will never get those brain cells back. I can forgive it for being girly. What I can’t forgive it for is being boring.

Once those two start having a relationship, it is as if the clock has stopped. I swear to god, there was a meadow scene where they were just sitting and it just went on and on and on. I have a friend that doesn’t like the shopping montage in movies, I personally hate the meadow scenes… I have no idea what they are supposed to represent. The spend forever getting to that damn meadow, you would have thought there would be something cool at the end of the journey… Nope, just vampire show and tell. We get to see Edward’s true nature and he has to be the most boring vampire ever put to print. He can kill grisly bears with his bare hands but we never get a sense of that fierceness. He has to be the safest bad-boy ever.

And Bella, I don’t know where to start with her. One, she is the most perfect teenage daughter of all time. She cooks, she cleans, she does the grocery shopping, and all the while maintaining top grades. If Stepford made children, they would be just like Bella. Two, her reaction to fear is non-reaction. Edward shouldn’t be mad about that, he should fear that his girlfriend has a neurological disorder. And three, she really needs to be less self-sacrificing. That death wish thing she has going on is very disturbing.

Ultimately, these books should not be read by anyone whose age is not ending in the word “teen”. As for everyone else, just don’t go there and pick up some Shakespeare instead.

Dracula by Bram Stoker

My podcast has decided to do a little book club and now I’m into reading another book every four weeks. The good part of this one is that I get a bigger say into what is read and I might actually like the books chosen. Although, I had my doubts when we first chose this one.

I’m pretty sure everyone knows this story. Young lawyer goes to Castle Dracula on business and it turns out his client is a member of the evil undead. This walking fiend has plans on relocation to London and wreck havoc on its citizens. Wackiness ensues.

I had started this book before, ages ago and didn’t finish it. The first time I tried reading this book, I gave up after about the third chapter. Really boring. This time I stuck with it and realized it got really good once we get some good supernatural action. During the first go, I likely wasn’t responding too well to the diary like way the story was told. This time, I’ve been so desensitized by the world of blogs that it didn’t bother me that much.

The most interesting thing I got out of this reading was the fact that they have changed Mina’s character in every movie I’ve seen her in. In a lot of the movies, she is portrayed as someone who is in love with Dracula. In the book, she is an example of the modern woman, smart, articulate, and not afraid to work to carry out what needs to be done. That part was quite refreshing to read. She was definitely the brains and the strength behind the group of merry men banding together to kill the little nuisance.

Anyway, it was good to read and if you are low in money, a copy of it can be downloaded from Project Guttenberg.

The Joss Whedon Comic Collection,... er, Graphic Novel Review

Warm, buttered, biscuits with real maple syrup and a pot of strong coffee by my side… Can anything be finer? Joss Whedon is a close second. I’m not a huge comic fan but between him and Neil Gaiman, you really wouldn’t know it. Those two will lead you on a very slippery slope that ends with standing orders at your local comic shop. The comic guy, who works there, is way too helpful and it doesn’t help that we have similar tastes. Oh well, I’m enjoying it.

And we really should get onto why I’m writing this. It has been so long since I’ve written one of these, it is almost difficult. Sort of like getting out of practice and it doesn’t help that I’m reviewing a new medium. Comics are very visual (obviously) but I’ve found that they can be just as complex as most books. Especially compared to the piece of crap I’m reading right now but that is for another time and place….

First up, is Joss Whedon’s, Fray. Based in the Slayer universe except this takes place hundreds of years into the future. We have a world where the rich are very rich and the rest of us are very, very poor. There are flying cars, and lurkers, and radies, people who have mutated due to the sun’s radiation. And most importantly, we have Melanka Fray, the first Slayer to be called since the big event at the end of the Buffy finale. It has the same action you would expect from an episode of Buffy without the limitations you face during filming. For example, the first two pages of panels detail Mel’s fall from a high story building and everything she hits on her way down. Of course this doesn’t kill her or this would be the shortest comic ever produced. It also has that offbeat humor you come to expect and love from the mind of Joss. He is nice enough to give you some laugh out loud moments.

Karl Moline, penciller, did an amazing job bringing his words to life in the design of this whacked out world. Between Karl and the rest of the art team, they were able to bring to life the most important thing about being a Slayer.... Hair to die for. Yep, Mel had really great hair and that is worth the price of admission right there. Added bonus is the wonderful job they (Joss included) did bringing to life a character like Loo. She is the greatest thing ever at pulling those good ole heartstrings. Sorry, can’t say more about that.

Up next is Serenity: Those Left Behind. This little three-parter bridges the gap between the last episode of Firefly and the movie Serenity. We get to see Inara leave and the return of Dobson, the guy Mal shot in the first two hour episode. He has a grudge against Mal and would like to be the one to take Mal out of this world in the most painful way possible. The Blue Hand Alliance Agents strike a deal with Dobson, he gets Mal if they can get River. Yeah for Cooperation!!

The artists must have been fans of the show because they did an amazing job on rendering the likeness of the actors to the graphic novel world. Nowhere was I brought out of the illusion to think that they were only doing vague representations.

The only problem I had with this one is that I found it too rushed. They had a lot to get in and while there was good build-up, the ending seemed abrupt. And the other problem I had was that River seemed a little off, word-wise. A couple of times, Conrad had her saying stuff that just didn’t seem very River like. But I suspect she might be the hardest one to bring to the page without Summer Glau’s magic behind the character.

And last but not least, we have Astonishing X-Men: Gifted, which is the first six comics in Joss’ series packaged into one graphic novel. This is the first X-Men comic I’ve ever read and it was pretty good. Jean Grey is gone and Professor Xavier has left the school in the hands of Scott (Cyclops) and Emma Frost. We also have Beast (my personal favorite X-Men character), Wolverine, and Kitty Pryde. It is announced that an agency has developed a new cure to the mutant gene that causes no small amount of turmoil in the mutant community, including Team X-Men.

This is my first introduction to the characters Emma Frost and Kitty Pryde so I feel that I’ve missed something in not knowing their history. It would have been nice to get some background but it looks like I’ll have to do my own research for that. So for the X-Men uninitiated, it might be a little hard going. If you can skip over anything you don’t understand, you will do fine and love the humor Joss puts into this world. He does an excellent job with Beast and it is obvious that Kitty is his favorite... I’m sure his foreword didn’t tip me off at all.

The only thing left to say about all of these graphic novels is that they leave you wanting more which I suspect, Joss takes personal glee in. I have no problem visualizing him running around his office, giggling like a little school girl, over the angst he has produced in his fans concerning our need to find out what happens next. Of course, this is completely done in private as he wouldn’t want to be known as a giggler.

He is too cool for that.

My rating: :D :D :D :D

Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris

Just finished Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris. Another Sookie Stackhouse book from her Dead series. Sookie, poor girl, is telepathic and lives in a small characteristic Southern town. This one focuses a lot on Eric, the vampire... now that Sookie has broken up with Bill, the vampire, she is a single woman who finds that she's missing the sex. Eric, found along side the road without any memory of who he is, hides out at Sookie's for protection from the witches who did this to him. Then Sookie's brother goes missing which is another major mystery... is it connected to Eric's brain mishap? I can't tell you! You will have to read it to find out.

That is a horribly written summary of a book I actually enjoyed. For me, it is like brain candy... except the good kind of candy that doesn't add pounds to your butt. But this was a nice read, not too angsty, not too heavy. Sookie isn't like another heroine of vamp books who spends half of the plot justifying her decisions that make her come off as a borderline sociopath while the other half is spent surrounded by the most beautiful men in the universe. (It is the men part that make me feel less sympathetic to that character.) Sookie seems alone most of the time... she is the one who has to go beyond the call of duty but always without crossing the line to superhuman. She doesn't have ever-escalating special powers that make you wonder if putting her out of her misery wouldn't be a gift to humanity. (Maybe I'm too mean.) Sookie seems to have a soul that is bothered by the same things we are all troubled by... except she gets to play with vamps, weres, shifters... etc.

Anyway... I enjoyed and recommend.